Labour declares war on youth

At last new Labour is not imitating the Tories...

The Labour Party has decided to get its act together and get tough. Time to go for the jugular and unite the nation behind it. You can see the Tory Party trembling already, as it faces electoral extinction at the hands of the ‘beefed up’ Labour Party. ‘Hurrah!’ exclaim the millions, hungry to see the back of this Tory regime. At last, new Labour is taking the initiative and is no longer trying to imitate the Tories.

Sounds good? Only one flaw. The ‘new’ new Labour is flexing its muscles by staking its claim to the political territory which lurks menacingly to the right of the Tory Party. Can this be possible?

Yes. Just look at the face of Jack Straw. Shocking nearly everybody - particularly liberal newspapers like The Observer and The Guardian - he suddenly treated us to his Rambo-meets-John Wayne impersonation and declared that when in government Labour will adopt a policy of “zero tolerance” of “anti-social behaviour”. Unfortunately, this does not mean that racist police officers, sweatshop bosses and corrupt MPs will have to start looking nervously over their shoulders ...

 No. Watch out, all you hooligans in possession of an age under 10. Jack ‘Judge Dredd’ Straw has plans to introduce a teenage curfew, which will see all under-10s “off the streets” by 9pm. Good riddance too - those kids playing football on a hot summer’s evening are obviously a menace to society.

Reassuringly, Straw will allow “local authorities to decide” whether to round up ‘guilty’ children. As Straw put it, “This is not jackbooted centralism”. Phew, thank heavens for that - “jackbooted” localism instead.

Apparently, this brilliant vote-winning idea came to Straw one night after a late night session in the House of Commons, when to his horror he spotted unsupervised young children. He started to “wonder where their parents are. Curfews seem to me to be a sensible way to deal with the issue.” Bill Clinton has already given his blessing to a New Orleans scheme, where there is an 8pm curfew on under-17s.

Actually, these ideas sprang more from his trip to America last year than some midnight drive. When Straw was in Washington he was taken out in a patrol car through black neighbourhoods, where a Hispanic policeman told him: “The only way I know to police this community is by harassing them. We’re the oppressors. It’s the only thing these fuckers understand.”

The ‘American way’ obviously impresses Straw. We can see why. The working class does not exist politically and both the Republicans and the Democrats are competing to see who can hit the working class the hardest.

We must be ready. When in government, new Labour will be capable of anything. So we must be prepared to use any means to defend ourselves.

Eddie Ford