06.04.1995

Mystery of the missing millions

The Weekly Worker has received the document below from an anonymous contributor. We believe it may be connected with the 2½% pay offer made to the three rail unions in response to their claim for a “substantial rise” - just a week after British Rail announced profits in excess of £400m

Holmes stood looking out of the window puffing on his pipe as Watson answered the knock on the door. “It’s Mr Adams of Aslef, Holmes.”

“Come in, come in,” replied Holmes as he pirouetted, extending his hand. “What can I do for you?”

“It’s about the missing millions,” replied Adams. “Four hundred million quid to be exact.”

“Ah yes. Sit down, my good man, and tell me everything,” exhorted Holmes. “Do not leave anything out, however trivial it might seem.”

“Holmes is very keen on trivia,” chuckled Watson. “Solves most of his cases with it.”

Lew Adams sat down and with a worried excitement proceeded to tell Holmes how the railways had been sabotaged as a result of a diabolical plan. He continued: “Only last week the chairman was boasting of the large surplus the railway company had successfully earned as a result of the hard work put in by railworkers the length and breadth of the land. The surplus stood at four hundred million, but when myself and Jimmy Knapp saw the chairman on Thursday he told us it had gone - vanished from the vaults. There was nothing left with which to reward the railworkers. Holmes, you must help us to recover this lost wedge.”

“Hmm,” replied Holmes, puffing intensely on his pipe. “Seems like the work of the Tory Gang, a notorious bunch of crooks whose time is long overdue.”

“The Tories!” interjected Watson.

“Yes, I have no doubt. The missing millions is obviously the work of Clarke, the most evil of financial swindlers, Major Moriarty’s right hand lieutenant.”

“But what can we do to get it back?” enquired Adams. “The Tory Gang are most difficult to pin down.”

“Get your members to stop work and tell them to vote communist in the local elections,” instructed Holmes. “The former will not only get your members their just reward, but it also has the potential to scupper the Tory Gang’s diabolical plot to wreck the railways.

“The second is most important because it will help rid us of the capitalist menace which the Tory Gang nurtures so diligently. But beware, Mr Adams, of the Blairites. They will tell you to desist from action and wait for them to take over from the Tory Gang. But this is a ruse: they are really the left hand of the Tory Gang. If you carry out my instructions to the letter, you will overcome. But falter and you are done for.”

As Mr Adams left, Holmes returned to the window. Watson sank into an armchair, picking up the Weekly Worker: “Do you consider Adams will follow your instructions?”

“I hope so, Watson, but whatever happens the game is afoot.”

Holmes managed a smile as he contemplated the demise of the Tory Gang.

The game is afoot.

Aslef train driver